Urgh, guys guys guys.
I know, there was no post this weekend. I just didn’t have it in me to write.
My head’s been all over the place with some personal stuff and I can’t help questioning everything I think – is it because they’re valid thoughts, or is it all my insecurities and weird thought patterns feeding me lies?
To top it off the bf has started working on a project away from home, meaning I don’t get to see him during the week, and am home alone.
Being home alone has always been a triggering time for my disordered eating habits to strike. Coming home to an empty house makes me feel so…I don’t know…empty and alone. It drives me straight to the food cupboard. And this is only exacerbated by the way I’ve been feeling recently driving me to cut out calories here and there. Nothing huge, but I’ve noticed it.
A year and a half ago I’d decided to find a new job. At that point it was me working away from home during the week. I had the same empty and alone feeling every time I returned to a hotel room. I couldn’t bear it, and I knew I needed to change that lifestyle. So I did. Now I feel like I’m back in that same boat, but this time I’m out of control of the situation.
Tonight I got home and binged. Oreos, shortbread, crisps, popcorn, naan bread. I hated myself every minute it lasted. I did stop. I got myself out of the kitchen and away from the food. But I felt every single one of those emotions that I’d felt all those years of being in the mist of an eating disorder. I felt out of control of myself, I felt like an alien, I felt lost.
I felt none of the self-compassion I have worked on for these last few years.
And for the hour or so afterwards I felt numb. I couldn’t think of what I’d done, I didn’t know how I felt. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t. Only now when I’m writing this out are the tears flooding down my face. I feel terrified of going back to my old ways, psychologically and physically. I feel a failure
I know exactly what I need to do to get myself back on track. It’s hard, but I know it’ll be a million times easier than the last time I faced this. I need to quit cutting the calories…starving myself will only increase the chance of a binge. I need to stabilise my blood sugar by focusing on protein and balanced meals. I need to start practising mindfulness, and I need to start developing new habits. But most importantly I need to remind myself that I deserve to be healthy. I deserve not to harm my body through calorie restriction and binges. And I deserve to forgive myself mistakes.
Eating disorders are effing bastards. But we can beat them. We’ll face set backs, but we’re stronger than them.
And thank you. Thank you people who read this blog for letting me have a space to talk about this. I hope you realise that if you’re in the same place you too will beat those thoughts and we’ll come out a million times stronger on the other side.