Guys I’m so sad Christmas is over! It’s my favourite time of the year and afterwards I’m always on such a downer. However I’ve still got a couple of days left before I’m back at work and I’m ready to make some great plans to look forward to over the coming months.
This Christmas was particularly great. Even though I was doing much better with my eating last Christmas there was still a hell of a lot of secret eating and being scared about eating in front of others. But this year I had no shame in delving in for seconds (and sometimes even thirds)!
(My Mum’s awesome Christmas cake)
And the other great thing? I was able to say no! In the last few years my body was so starved that I’d go round the supermarket and I’d get fixated on anything containing an ounce of sugar or fat. At meal times I felt the urge to eat anything and everything, even if I didn’t like it. Sweet treats and cheeses were still seen as “bad foods” and I’d only allow myself to eat them for a couple of days before banning them. This just led to restrict-binge cycles, secret eating, feelings of being abnormal and one uncomfortable stomach! This year I was much more relaxed and felt happy stopping when I was full.
This Christmas I also realised that food no longer has such a hold over me. I no longer fantasise about food or get distracted if there’s food around (well, unless there was a big ass chocolate cake, and then it deserves my full attention). When you starve yourself your body’s survival instincts kick in and you end up fixating on anything that’s going to fuel your body. But once your eating habits are back to normal and your body’s a normal weight then that all changes. That’s one of the things I think we all get scared of when we’re recovering from an eating disorder: the panic that the constant hunger and obsession with food will never end. Well guys, I promise you it does, and when you realise food is no longer the be all and end all it’s such an amazing feeling!
But the best thing about being able to have a normal relationship with food this Christmas was the quality of time I got to spend with my family. Rather than being grumpy and stressed I was able to have relaxed conversations. I laughed so much, we had heaps of fun and it was just the best time. Awesome just doesn’t even cut it!
I’m not going to make out that it was constant plain sailing. A couple of days after Boxing Day I did start to panic about how much I’d eaten and fretted about certain foods suddenly running out or being unavailable (I clearly am just way too sentimental about a good old Christmas cookie!). But I managed these feelings so much better than in previous years and I was so proud of myself for doing so well the rest of the time! Recovery is a long old process and if this is what Christmas is like partially recovered then I can’t wait for the experience of one fully recovered!
What was your biggest success this Christmas?